The Onion

source

In a time honoured tradition, an American president has thrown another country’s election.

cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/21330498

NEW YORK — Grand Theft Auto 5 is getting a new Israel-themed game mode that gives tiny pocket knives to pedestrians, meaning you can murder random people on the street and burn the city to the ground without feeling too bad about it.

White House sources have confirmed the successful execution of 19-year-old college sophomore Evan Dixon late last night by an elite team of special forces.

What could be more indicative of a thirst for power and control than a perfectly level, uniform expanse of grass? Clearly, only someone with fascist tendencies would aspire to such impeccable orderliness, attempting to impose their oppressive standards on nature itself. Because nothing says "I want to dominate the world" quite like the pursuit of a weed-free lawn.

Following months of declining Canadian travel to the USA, Americans have launched a tourism campaign inviting Canadians to visit locations like New York, Austin, and possibly even take an all-expenses paid bonus visit to a notorious El Salvadorian mega-prison.

“How can I return an innocent man to the United States when I don’t have the ability to feel empathy or compassion?” said Bukele

Emotional Surveillance System Aims to Preempt Conscience-Driven Disruptions

Earth (Planet fairly close to Mars) – Elon Musk likes a few things: putting an X in the names of things he buys from others, electric cars, and publicly humiliating himself with embarrassing behavior. Then there are some things Elon Musk hates: his children, happy people, and woke.

This article is so long! Why does it have to be about Roseanne Barr? What comes to mind (after reading her Wikipedia Page) is that she is capable of making really out of touch jokes. Is there anything else?

OTTAWA – With the stock market plunged into chaos by U.S. President Donald Trump’s sweeping tariffs, Canadians have decided to simply wait out America’s forthcoming economic collapse and then buy the nation on the cheap.

theonion.com

2018 article but feels relevant now

The related art-only pieces are just as good.

Source

https://theonion.com/stuck-in-the-timiddle-with-you/

https://thehardtimes.net/music/new-bi-partisan-bill-sets-aside-money-to-train-out-of-work-midwestern-farmers-to-write-introspective-emo-songs/

Tech CEO's response to burning Teslas includes plans to "optimize" firefighting industry out of existence

Revolutionary technology creates cars that exist only on government rebate forms

"The truth is, if Americans just had proper access to lightweight cosmetic products capable of hiding blemishes, eliminating uneven skin tone, and highlighting natural complexion, measles could be eradicated.”

“With the near trillion dollar sell-off on the Nasdaq alone earlier yesterday, the rapid devaluing of assets has allowed the American public unparalleled access to cheap stocks and shares on the market.”

As the UK marks the fifth anniversary of the COVID-19 outbreak, and significant portion of the population solemnly reflects on lost loved ones, a much louder, considerably dimmer contingent has seized the moment to once again declare the entire thing a hoax.